Cullens Go To Therapy
by taylorduncan
Summary: Carlisle thinks the family fights too often, so he makes them go to therapy. I feel really bad for this therapist. Vampires in therapy? This cannot end well. After Breaking Dawn. No Nessie or Jacob. Bella is a vampire.
1. We Fight Too Much

**This is my third fanfiction and I'm writing this story at the same time as Cullens vs. Parkers and I Can't Believe It's Actually Real. This one is gonna be really funny and I'm already planning a sequel and another sequel to the sequel. That is really confusing. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!**

**CPOV**

I stepped out of my black Mercedes and heard screaming coming from the house. My beautiful wife Esme walked out the front door and walked over to me gracefully. "Hello darling," I said to her. "Hi," she said in an exasperated tone and kissed me. "What are they fighting about now?" I asked her. "Well Emmett and Jasper are fighting over who hunted the biggest animal, and Alice, Bella, Rosalie, and Edward are fighting over shopping," she said. "Well I understand Emmett and Jasper's fight, but how do you fight about shopping?" I asked. My family fights too much.

"Alice wants Bella to go shopping with her and Bella doesn't want to. Edward is defending her of course and Rosalie is saying that Alice shops too much," my wife explained. "Well that sounds about right. They need to learn when enough is enough. This has to end," I said and my wife nodded.

We walked inside and nobody noticed us. They were all screaming so loud it almost hurt my sensitive ears. I need to stop this. "Everybody quiet!" I yelled loudly. I rarely yelled, but they were pretty loud. It obviously worked because everyone just stared at me in shock. "Family meeting," I said calmly.

My family and I all sat down at the table and they all looked at me curiously, even my wife. "You guys are much too old to be acting this way. You're technically senior citizens. You fight too much and you need to learn peace, so I have decided that you are all going to therapy," the seven faces of my family stared at me in shock.

**BPOV**

"Alice I'm not going shopping with you!" I yelled angrily. I hate shopping and when she drags me along with her, all I do is carry her bags while she buys the family clothes. "Alice you can't force her to go shopping with you," my amazing husband said. I love him so much. "Stop trying to force people to go shopping with you! Bella hates shopping for some reason. Just accept the fact that she's crazy and move on!" Rosalie said angrily. "Hey I am not crazy!" I screamed at Rosalie while Edward growled loudly. "You don't like shopping. You _have_ to be crazy," she said rudely. Edward growled again.

I heard Emmett and Jasper fighting over who hunted the biggest animal. Why do they care? They are so stupid. I would never fight about something like that. _Ugh. We fight WAY too much,_ I thought.

**EPOV**

"I CAUGHT THE BIGGEST ANIMAL!" I thundered at Jasper. I caught the biggest grizzly bear I had ever seen. Heck, I caught the biggest _animal _I had ever seen. "No I did!" Jasper yelled at me. _He's just jealous of my awesomeness, _I thought. I should say that out loud! "You're just jealous of my awesomeness!" I yelled at him. I am so smart. "What awesomeness?" he asked. "Is that all you got? Bring it on!" I yelled at him. What he said was sounawesome.

I heard Bella, Alice, Edward, and my hot wife fighting over shopping. How do you fight about _shopping_? Shopping is stupid. _They are such girls, _I thought. Even Edward is fighting about it. _He is such a sissy,_ I thought.

**Okay so I know this chapter is short, but they will get longer as they go on. This story is really fun and it's going to get **_**MUCH**_** better. I really hope you guys like it. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! The more reviews I get the faster I will update! =) I love all you guys! =D**


	2. Meet The Doctor

**Hey guys! SO many of you added me to your story alerts and favorite stories so THANK YOU! I even had some people add me to their favorite authors! I only have three reviews though. I know it's only been a couple hours, but still I REALLY love reviews! This chapter should be longer though. LOVE YOU GUYS! =)**

**BPOV **

At 1:00pm Carlisle told us it was time to leave for therapy. "Ugh," I said. "Do we have to?" Rosalie whined. "Oh cheer up guys it'll be fun!" Alice chirped. "How can you say that?" I asked. "Yeah come on. It's _therapy_," Jasper said. "You know, Alice is right. This is gonna be AWESOME!" Emmett thundered. "Let's just go," I said.

Edward and I walked to his Volvo and we got in. Rosalie and Emmett got in his Jeep and Alice and Jasper took her Porsche. "Race ya!" Alice yelled out her window. We all sped off and I said, "Come on Edward! We have to beat them!" I yelled. Normally I wasn't competitive, but today I really wanted to win. We passed Emmett and Alice and sped off.

We pulled up in the parking lot five seconds before Alice and Emmett. "Haha. We won and you guys lost. It was a tie for you guys," I am so happy we won. "I can't believe I lost! I never lose!" Emmett screamed. "I know! Ugh," Alice said and she started pouting. "Come on guys, stop it. Emmett and Alice are sad and Bella is radiating happiness over there and then Edward is smug and happy because Bella is happy. So many emotions! It's too much!" Jasper screamed dramatically. "Oh yeah, oh yeah. It's my birthday! Oh yeah, oh yeah!" I screamed while I did a little victory dance.

Someone cleared their throat loudly, and we all turned to see Carlisle standing there with his arms crossed, looking very unhappy. I didn't care. I was still doing my victory dance. I don't know why I am acting like this. I'm probably gonna give this therapist the wrong impression of me. Oh well.

We walked in the waiting room of the therapy office and I have finally stopped doing my victory dance. I feel kinda stupid for doing that. "Hello. I'm Dr. Carlisle Cullen and I'm here for therapy," Carlisle said. "Okay and you're here for Dr. Manning. Is that right?" she asked perkily. "Yes, that is correct," Carlisle said. "Okay. Just fill out these forms and then I will call you when he's ready," she said, handing him the forms.

Carlisle walked over to the chairs and we followed him. We all sat down and talked amongst ourselves. "Let's race on the way home too. I'll kick your guys' butts this time," Alice said confidently. "Oh no way. You're going _down_ pixie," I said using the nickname she hated. She just smirked at me.

Carlisle got up and walked over to the receptionist desk. "Here you go," he said while handing her the forms. "Thank you. Go sit over there and I'll call you when Dr. Manning is ready for you," she said. "Okay thank you," he said with a smile. Just as he sat down she said, "Okay Dr. Manning is ready for you now." "Hey Carlisle, I bet she just said that so she could see your butt," he said with an evil grin. Carlisle just shot him a dark look that said, _Knock it off_. We all got up and sure enough the receptionist was staring at his butt in content. She sighed and we all burst out laughing.

We walked into the therapist's office and our therapist said, "Hello I'm Dr. Manning. I will be your therapist," he said with a smile. "Hi I'm Emmett!" Emmett said with over-enthusiasm and shook his hand dramatically. Dr. Manning gulped. "Um h-hi E-Emmett," he stuttered nervously.

"Hi I'm Bella," I said while smiling. "I'm Jasper" "I'm Rosalie" "I'm Edward" "And I'm Alice!" Alice said with a huge smile and he swallowed nervously again. "This is going to be _soooo _fun!" she said excitedly. "Y-yeah. V-very f-fun," he said. We all burst out laughing again and Dr. Manning almost fainted.

**Okay I know I said they would start therapy in this chapter, but I really wanted to post it tonight and my mom said I have to get off of the computer. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! I LOVE YOU GUYS! =D =P**


	3. Anger Waves

**Hey guys! So I got like a billion people that added me to their story alerts and their favorite stories. Some people even added me as a favorite author! =D I love all you guys so much. I'm SO SORRY that I haven't updated. School started and I have been doing this chapter little by little. I am going to put some stories on hold until I finish some other stories because I'm overworking myself and I feel so bad. I put up a poll for you guys to vote which stories are your favorite. PLEASE VOTE! Well sorry for wasting your time with this super long author's note. On with the story! REVIEW! =D LOVE YOU!**

**REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!**

_*flashback*_

"_Hi I'm Bella" I said while smiling. "I'm Jasper" "I'm Rosalie" "I'm Edward" "And I'm Alice!" Alice said with a huge smile and he swallowed nervously again. "This is going to be soooo fun!" she said excitedly. "Y-yeah. V-very f-fun," he said. We all burst out laughing again and Dr. Manning almost fainted._

_*end flashback*_

"Well, I think that we are ready to start. You can either sit in the waiting room and wait or leave and I will call you when we are done, so you can take them home," Dr. Manning said.

"Well they all drove themselves here, but we'll wait outside. There will probably be a lot of fighting and we should probably be here," Carlisle said.

"Okay then. Well, we're going to start, so you can just wait out there," Dr. Manning said and pointed to the waiting room.

"Okay then. Bye guys. _BEHAVE_," Carlisle said threateningly.

"Bye daddy!" Alice said, and gave him a hug.

"No, Carlisle, no! Don't leave me here! He's a stranger!" Emmett said dramatically. Then he got down on the floor and grabbed onto Carlisle's legs.

"Emmett, let go of me _now_," Carlisle said.

After a lot of struggling Emmett finally let go of Carlisle. He and Esme walked out of the room and Dr. Manning just stared.

"_Hello? _ Anybody home?" Rosalie said while waving her hand in front of his face.

"I think he's in shock. Maybe we should slap him!" Alice suggested excitedly.

"No we are not going to slap him," Edward said. I shook his shoulders and he blinked.

"Okay then, let's get started. Who's first?" he asked.

"Not it!" we all yelled at the same time.

"Okay. Let's pick a name out of a hat," he suggested.

We all wrote down our names and put them in the hat. Dr. Manning shook it a few times and reached in. "Jasper" he read.

"Aw man! Why me?" Jasper said to the ceiling dramatically, as if asking the heavens.

"Okay Jasper. Let's get to know you," Dr. Manning said.

"Fine. My name is Jasper and I love the Civil War," Jasper said flatly and Alice hugged him.

"Is there anything else?" Dr. Manning asked.

"No, that's pretty much it. Everyone already knows everything about me," Jasper told Dr. Manning.

"Okay then. Now, everyone tell me some things that you think Jasper should change about himself," Dr. Manning said.

"I don't think there's anything wrong with Jazzy," Alice said, using her nickname for him.

"Alice, you're only saying that because you guys are dating," Rosalie said.

"Wait a second. You guys are dating?" Dr. Manning asked.

"Yeah. We're all dating each other," Alice explained.

"You think that's okay? Your _parents_ think that's okay? Do they even know?" Dr. Manning asked in shock.

"Of course they know!" Rosalie exclaimed.

"Yeah I mean, all of us are _really_ in love. We couldn't live without each other," I said and snuggled up against Edward.

"We aren't related. We're all adopted," Jasper said.

"We just all happened to fall in love," Edward said.

"It's a little complicated but, we're okay with it," I said with a small smile.

"Okay. . . . So who is with who?" Dr. Manning asked.

"I'm with Edward, Rosalie is with Emmett, and Alice is, obviously, with Jasper," I explained.

"Okay then. Let's move on," Dr. Manning said.

"So what are some problems that Jasper has that you would like him to work on?" Dr. Manning asked us.

"You're too moody," Rosalie said.

"I'm too moody? You _make _me moody woman," Jasper said angrily.

"Hey, don't talk to my Rosie like that," Emmett said.

"Well if your_ Rosie_ wasn't being mean to my Jazzy, then he wouldn't have too!" Alice exclaimed and Emmett growled.

"Emmett," Edward warned. Carlisle probably doesn't approve of growling.

"Okay. Is there anything else that you would like Jasper to change?" Dr. Manning asked calmly.

"I can't think of anything," I said.

"Anyone else?" Dr. Manning asked.

When nobody said anything Dr. Manning said, "Okay then. Let's pick another name out of the hat." He reached in and Edward groaned. _It must be his turn,_ I thought. "Edward, it's your turn," Dr. Manning said.

"Ughhh. Okay, um, I'm Edward and I love reading and playing my piano," Edward said. I hugged him.

"Okay. Does Edward have any problems?" Dr. Manning asked.

"Oh, I have some! He doesn't respect our privacy and he calls himself a monster and a masochist _way _too much, and he doesn't go shopping with me!" Alice whined.

"I can't help but know your secrets, I _used _to call myself a masochist and I _am _a monster, and nobody wants to go shopping with you because all you do is make us carry your bags," Edward said.

"You are _not _a monster!" I yelled. I was tired of him calling himself that!

"Oh god," Rosalie said and rolled her eyes.

"Oh shut up!" I yelled at her and flipped her off.

"She does that _way _too much," Rosalie said.

"Well you _make _me!" I yelled.

"I can't _make _you do anything!" Rosalie yelled back.

"I can," Jasper said and wiggled his eyebrows devilishly.

"JASPER DON'T YOU DARE!" we all screamed simultaneously.

He obviously didn't listen though because suddenly hatred and anger waves hit us.

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" Dr. Manning screamed angrily.

"MAKE ME, MANNING!" Rosalie screamed back.

"CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES YOU UGLY FOOL! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU MAKE A PENNY A YEAR!" Alice screamed in rage. Then she slapped him across the face.

"HOW DARE YOU! YOU ARE CHILDREN! I AM AN ADULT!" Dr. Manning yelled and glared at us all. It took all I had not to scream out our secret. So, instead of giving away the secret I jumped over the desk and slapped Dr. Manning across the face.

"THAT'S FOR CALLING ME A CHILD!" I screamed in his face and he passed out. Great.

"WHERE ARE EMMETT AND EDWARD?" Rosalie screamed. We all looked around and saw that they weren't there. Everyone except Dr. Manning ran out the door and went outside. We ran into the parking lot and stopped when we saw Edward and Emmett.

They were wrestling and cussing and trying to rip each-others head off.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU _–BEEEEEEEEEEEP-!_" Edward screamed.

"DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT EVER AGAIN EDWARD!" I yelled angrily. They continued to cuss and fight. Suddenly, calm waves hit us all.

"Emmett I'm so sorry!" Edward exclaimed.

"Aw, I'm sorry too, Eddie!" Emmett boomed.

They hugged and Alice said, "Get a room." Rosalie and I growled. How dare she insult our men. Emmett and Edward pulled away glared at Alice. We all heard someone turn over in Dr. Manning's office.

"What happened in there?" Edward asked.

"Yeah, I heard a thud," Emmett agreed.

"Dr. Manning fainted," I explained.

"How?" Edward asked. Dang. I was really hoping nobody would ask that.

"Um . . ." I trailed off. I _really _didn't want to answer that question.

"Bella slapped him across the face," Alice shrugged.

"You what?" Emmett asked excitedly.

"He called me a child!" I defended myself. Edward growled.

"I'm sorry to interrupt but we have a man in there that is probably wondering where we are and possibly on the verge of a heart-attack," Rosalie said sarcastically.

"CRAP!" I exclaimed.

We all ran back inside and saw Dr. Manning with his eyes finally open.

"What happened?" he asked groggily.

"You passed out," Alice said.

"I did?" he asked.

"Yup," Rosalie said, her lips popping on the _p_.

"Wow. That's never happened before," he said in shock.

"Well you've only recently met us," Emmett said devilishly and Dr. Manning blinked rapidly.

We all laughed.

**Okay, well since it took me SO FRICKEN LONG to update I hope I made up for it by this chapter being longer than my usual. PLEASE go to my profile and VOTE. If you don't I will just choose which stories I'm going to keep. REVIEW AND VOTE! =P **


	4. I'm Back! (Author's Note)

I'm back! After about a three year hiatus, I'm finally writing again and I can't wait to write some more stories! I wasn't feeling as motivated as I thought I would until I looked at the traffic for my stories…I was still getting views every day! Not as many as I used to, but still a good amount and I couldn't even believe it. The fact that people were still reading my stories despite the fact that they hadn't been updated in years made me want to cry. If you guys are writers, then you know how flattering it is for someone to take the time out of their day to read your little story and it truly warms my heart that I'm still getting views. I'm incredibly flattered and I hope I don't disappoint you lovely people with my new content.

Love, Taylor


	5. He's Fine

**I've been away for such a long time, but I'm back and I'm so excited to finally update this story! I hope you guys enjoy it. (: **

*_flashback*_

_We all ran back inside and saw Dr. Manning with his eyes finally open._

_"What happened?" he asked groggily._

_"You passed out," Alice said._

_"I did?" he asked._

_"Yup," Rosalie said, her lips popping on the __p__._

_"Wow. That's never happened before," he said in shock._

_"Well you've only recently met us," Emmett said devilishly and Dr. Manning blinked rapidly._

_We all laughed._

_*end flashback* _

**BPOV**

The six of us sat back down and waited for Dr. Manning to say something. He remained silent, so I started to talk. "Um, Dr. Manning, are you alright?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine dear. I'm not quite sure what just happened, but I'm…fine. Let's get started, shall we?" He seemed shaken, but, in his words, fine. He pulled another name from the hat. "Emmett," he read aloud.

Emmett perked up at the sound of his name. "Whoo! My turn! I'm Emmett, duh and I'm pretty damn awesome. I love my Jeep, my girl, and being fricken hilarious," he grinned. He seemed proud of himself, as usual.

"Now, are there any issues that you all have with Emmett?" Dr. Manning asked.

"He makes so many jokes about Bella and I. He needs to learn when to keep his mouth shut," Edward contributed.

"I agree with that," I chimed in. He was constantly making jokes about mine and Edward's sex life and just our relationship in general.

"Oh you love my jokes and you know it. I'm a genius," he said.

"Yeah you're totally a genius," I replied sarcastically.

"See, doc? She even admitted it," Emmet said because he didn't realize I was being facetious.

"Yeah, Emmett you just proved my point."

"Oh…" he trailed off.

"Okay then, anyone else?" Dr. Manning asked. Everyone stayed quiet, so he pulled another name from the hat. "Rosalie, you're up."

"Wonderful," Rosalie said in her bitchiest tone. "I like to spend time with my family and shop with Alice."

"That's great. What would all of you like Rosalie to work on?"

"I wish she wasn't so mean to me. She doesn't approve of my decision to…" I hesitated. I wasn't sure what to say because obviously I couldn't just blurt out our secret. I won't say anything. "…do something that I can't even reverse and I just want her to accept that it happened and I have no regrets, so that's all that matters."

"And what was this decision?" Dr. Manning inquired.

"I decided to…have my tubes tied so now I can't have children." I looked at Rosalie to see what she thought. She seemed to agree with my excuse.

"I'm not able to have children, so I was very jealous of Bella. She didn't realize what a marvelous gift she had. She just threw away something that I had ripped from me," Rosalie was trying not to get emotional. I know she doesn't like being vulnerable, so I tried to take the attention off of her.

"I understand where she's coming from, I just wish she would realize that I have different priorities," I said as I looked at Edward. He was my priority. I never want to love anything or anyone as much as I love him.

"Okay great, that's definitely something we can talk about in the future," Dr. Manning seemed to be loosening up a little, probably because we were all acting like normal people. _That won't last long,_ I thought. Dr. Manning retrieved the final name from the hat. "Alice, it's your turn."

"Well, I love to shop as I'm sure you've gathered from everyone else. I love to just be with Jazz," she rested her head on his chest and wrapped her arms around his neck. Jasper kissed her head and whispered something inaudible even to my ears. Alice giggled and smiled up at him.

"Okay then," Dr. Manning seemed uncomfortable with what he had just witnessed. "Anyone have issues with Alice?"

"She tries to force all of us to shop with her and she's constantly making me wear clothes that I don't like," I said. Everybody nodded in agreement.

"Alright! Anybody have something to add?" When we didn't say anything, he said, "Well, I think we've made great progress today. Unfortunately, we're almost out of time. We'll have to continue this next week. Is there anything else you'd like to quickly add before you leave?"

We all stood up and Rosalie smirked and said, "Good luck, Dr. Manning." She brushed her cold hand against his jaw and he shivered at the touch while she strode out of the room while we followed.

"Have a nice day," I smiled apologetically. _This poor doctor has no idea what he's in for. _

**There you go! I know this chapter isn't long, but I wanted to get their issues out of the way so we can have more fun in their next session. Regardless, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and I can't wait to write the next one! Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to review!**


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